i mean … love.
they say everyone will fall in love at least once in their life.
there’s no way of avoiding it, but whether you stick with it or not depends on several factors: genetics, situations, location, luck? and most importantly your lover. if you have an amazing lover, you can experience eternal euphoria. You can unlock the mysteries of the universe in mere moments and understand yourself more than you possibly want to.
BUT
love is also extremely dangerous: it has the potential to infiltrate your brains in places you didn’t know existed … love can stop your heart dead in it’s tracks with no remorse … and that’s why it’s important to have a lover you can trust.
like a skilled chemist, your lover can concoct a prescription that enables you to transcend human parameters, or plummet to the dregs of human existence. I was lucky, or maybe not so lucky, to have a lover that was capable of both. Moments of rapture and rigor stood back to back like yin and yang. For me, my lover was both the grim reaper and St. Matthew … Capable of resurrecting me from a catatonic coma and forcing me to face my worst fears. It went on like this for years: checkerboard days in wonderland and limbo with my lover wielding the sharpest double-edged sword that reflected light which became visible for all to see.
until one day, I inspired myself with an epiphany of my own:
my lover, in reality, was powerless;
merely a manifestation of my addiction.
I alone had the power to break this self imposed trance, but taking sole credit for your highs and lows isn’t exactly human nature. To be cut by another is understandable and exalting in a way … It gives you:
- a focus,
- a beast to defeat and
- an opponent to slay.
To be cut by yourself is devastating … afflicted and bleeding, you have no target for vengeance and a feeling of inadequacy that lingers like an alien stench.
my answer is not to drop the sword and ignore my addiction. my answer is to thrust myself into the on coming traffic directed by love. if mastering pain & anguish is not the definition of the human experience than i must be living someone else’s life.
and so i pack up my sh*t, stare at the sun & call my lover … <3333
